Paarth Madan

A medium to iterate on my own thoughts.

A Slapshot of Anger

Posted at — Nov 19, 2020

I found myself frustrated.

I responded by going outside for a walk. Typically, walks help clear my mind. This time was unique, though.

I had entered a cycle of thoughts that compounded into a sense of anger. I rarely get angry, so in realizing I let myself get angry, I got more frustrated.

I figured, the next best bet was finding a physical release. Entering my backyard, and playing some hockey seemed like a good idea. I scavenged for my stick, found an orange hockey ball, and started shooting away.

I did feel better.

I was present, and I was focusing on the dance of impulses between my hand. The impulses that forced the ball to sway back and forth, left and right, as I teed up my next shot. But then, I remembered the original thought. I forgot about where I was, and suddenly my frustrations realized itself in my shot.

I aimed a hard slap shot at the wall.

The ball ricocheted off the wall, and straight into my shin. I suppose I experienced shooting pains.

For those unaware, a hard hockey ball and the shin are far from a loving relationship. The pain was acute.

I felt stupid, for needing to release my anger in this way, and then having it backfire.

My frustration increased at this realization.

Naturally, I tee up another shot, this time fuelled by a much fiercer fire. The fire exited my body, into the stick, and through the ball.

I ripped – probably – the hardest slap shot I’ve taken in a few years.

A segment of the brick wall disintegrated, the stick shaft broke into two pieces, the ball into more, and – my heart into even more.

I was disappointed.

I instantly knew I’d need to return to writing, and figure out what was going on.

I was running away from an internal conflict. I’ve now understood that there is no running away. The conflict is within me, so if I run to my backyard – to no surprise, the conflict is coming with me. The conflict was in the backyard that day.

Anger is your reaction to being unable to understand something about yourself.

When we fail to grip aspects of ourselves, this hole sprouts as anger. No one wants to be angry, and yet it’s common.

I took it as a sign to look inward. To better understand which tripwire went off, and which aspect of my mind I haven’t quite understood.

I reacted in a certain way that felt out of place. I wasn’t privy to the secrets of my mind, and this furthered my anger. I overestimate how much I know about myself.

Action: I will get better at managing my emotional state, so it doesn’t take birth in other, more harmful forms.

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