A relationship offers the perfect surface area to discover your own insecurities. Like a mirror, being in an intimate relationship often puts you face-to-face with things you interpret as inadequacies. Insecurities are hard to detect, which is often why they manifest overtime after close interaction with people.

We all have insecurities—we accumulate unique life experiences, build independent views and develop conceptions about areas in which we feel less than. Despite this, we tend to present our most secure selves when entering a relationship because, ultimately, that’s what’s attractive. Outwardly, we present confidence, security, self-assuredness. We present honesty, grace, kindness. It’s not difficult to design the ideal outward presentation—the difficulty arises in sustaining this image.

A real, intimate relationship will quickly reach behind the facade of perfection we present to one another. It invites a slow dance between each other’s insecurities and the interplay of these moments is what makes relationships uniquely interesting. Most conflicts and disagreements originate, at some level, in this fabric. If we labelled our insecurities, imperfections, weaknesses and trauma as the parts that make us human, a relationship is between the two humans.

There’s a few principles that can be used to navigate this:

1. Relationships compound

Relationships compound over time. Just as a pair of slow dancers get accustomed to each other’s rhythms, patterns and movements, so do your relationships. As you build trust, open up, and share vulnerability, insecurities come forward. In that, lives a responsibility to treat this vulnerability with care. Being armed with your partners insecurities is a weapon; show them you have that power but won’t use it.

2. Self-examination improves the relationship

Making yourself a more confident, self-secured person is a surefire way to improve your relationship. Taking complete accountability of conflict means finding ways to improve yourself, irrespective of fault. It’s easy to seek fault in your partner, but it’s probably more effective to build yourself into a more secure companion. Change what you control, which, in this case, is yourself. Look to yourself in times of conflict and have faith your partner does the same.

3. Your relationship is with a human

It’s easy to absorb an image of your partner and expect them to perform in accordance to this. Seeing a relationship as an interplay between two humans reminds you that you’re working with someone as human as yourself.

First draft written on: June 29th, 2023